Old people reek!!

I really don’t undestand this.  It is something that really bothers me, so bloody much.

I was at work the other week.  You see I currently work as an events organiser for a school.  Now in this school there are many different members of staff of differet ages, race, and obviously of both genders.  I was in the staff room making myself my usual cup of vanilla Israeli coffee with milk, 3 sweetners, and a little cocoa powder just sprikled on the top, when all of a sudden I stopped.

My nose became congested with what I can only describe as one of the most repulsive and unapealing smells ever to penetrate my olfactory sense.  It was one of those smells which are so potent you can literally taste it!!

However you must know that smells which you can taste are not always revolting.  Petrol smells damn good and makes you want to try it. Also the strawberry flavoured liquorice has an extremely potent smell which entices one to eat it. Fuck it most good foods make you wonna munch it…howevr this is just going off topic.

Anyways, so I turn around to see one of the elder generation of teachers standing right next to me waiting to use the kettle.  He greeted me and I did something which I came out so wrong.  I tried to talk whilst not breathing in or out of my nose or mouth.  OMG i sounded like such a twat.  Trying to talk, whilst blocking the smell from my nose and make conversation, so fucking awkward that he actuall asked if I had a cold. I COULD STILL FUCKING SMELL IT!!!!!

I didnt even want to breathe in through my mouth it was so bad. I quickly finished the conversation and held my breath till I was out of the room where I let out a huge gasp for air.

Fucking butrez.  It is such a bad smell.  The worst thing is I really just dont know what it is.  It didnt smell like BO, bad feet, bad breath…it was just awful.  I just caled it OPS (old people smell).

I must say it took me ages to get the stench out of the boudaries of my inner nose walls, but I eventually forgot about it.

Anyway so a few days later I was buying a shwarma in a restaurant when I caught an essence of a smell once known to my proboscis, (if you havent oticed yet, I lov to pretend I know all these scietific names for body parts, but i honestly just google this shit), and then it hit me…. OPS alert .  My body tried too warn me but it just malfunctioned.  As the seconds went by it became more and more potent.  When I turned around, and low and behold there was an old woman there.  I swear I literally said “oh for fuck”, obviously not loud enough for the old lady to hear it, but the guy making the shwarma gave me an odd glance.

Why the fuck do old people have OPS?? Why??  This really is the 8th wonder of the world.  And you know what….its fucking rediculous because no people should smell exactly the same, but when an old person smells, you can guaranfuckingtee you know whats coming.  And the wirst thing is your body just screws up when you smell it.  Forget the missiles and nuclear bombs inwars,  throw some smell old people down there!!!!

OPS.  Beware of it.

Bruce

Is it really funny?

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You know what, this just happened to me now and I fucking hate it because this is not the first time its happened.

So I was busy chatting away to one of my female colleques.  Lovely woman, not bad looking, late 20’s…etc

Anyways when I speak to the opposite sex I tend to be very jokey, flirty, fun and what have you.  So there I was doing whatI do bestand I said a joke.  Now to be honest, this joke was fucking hilarious.  She said something about a huge piece of meat and I turned it around into a penis metaphor.  I kid you not, she literally looked with a smile and goes;

“omg thats hilarious”

No Laughing…absolutely none.  I thought thats strange so I made another joke a few minutes later and she just looked at me, with that barely conspicuous crease indented into the sides of her mouth as she grimly smiled and said;

“wow thats so funny!”

Really?  Really?  If it was fucking funny, you would have fucking laughed you stupid half twitted dicking dick dick.

I hated it.  Why say something is hilarious when clearly you dont find it funny.  Why lie.  Not in a sexist way at all but it has always been women who do that.  At least in my experiences and it’s fucking lame.

I personally think im bloody hilarious, but if you dont find my jokes funny, don try and lie and tell me its hilarious.  Dont lie.  Stupid ass hole pickers.

Peace

Achoooooo

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The first issue I have is with sneezing.  Yesterday I sneezed.  Just like the majority of homo-spaiens in this world the words just flung out with a few spritzes of fluid.

 

“ACHOO”

 

Why the f*** do we say achoo?  Why is it when we sneeze we have to say anything?  Animals dont “achoo”.  Even the older generation don’t achoo.  They don’t have the energy to.  They just let the sneeze fly anywhere and everywhere, snot dripping down their face, dibble dripping off their chin… however they close to never say the words, or mumble anything like achoo.  If you dont believe me, go to an old age home and see.

Coming back to the point, the annunciation of “achoo” just gives people the option to scream it, shout it, and do the loudest god forsaken sneezes…and there is nothing anyone can really do about it…people gotta sneeze.

So I made a promise that from now on I would try and not say “achoo” when I sneeze.  No.  I was gonna try and say somehing else.  So I went for the black pepper tub, in the upper left hand copboard of my kitchen, opene it and began enhaling through my nose the tinge of itching aromatic essence of the crushed black pepper.

And I could feel it…the tickle…starting right up the top of the inside of my rhinous.  That itch.  Its so strange.  Then it got even more intense and it was happening.   “ahhhhh……ahhhhhhh……..ahhhh aksjhdoaiugvbah”

I tried to say the word “boob”.   It didnt happen.  I have tried so many times.  All I can say is, “achoo” is the only fucking word that can be used in a sneezed.  rust me.  Cashew wont work. Manu, Tambu…make up any word, only “achoo” will work.  It’s meesed up, but thats just how it is.

 

Anyways, to end off I have possibly the most disgusting video of a sneeze to show you which should be below this post.

I will be back tomorrow.

 

Peace and Love

 

Intro to me

So hi,

Im bruce.  basically I have a f***ed up mind, imagination, thoughts…everything.  Not in a sick minded way, no not at all.  i like to think about the stupid shit that we do and that is apparent in the world. Like completely and utterly nonsensical, ludicrous, funny, droll, comical, farcical and absurd actions and thoughts that human beings do, yet most of the time we don’t even know why.

To be honest, the reason im doing this is because I make myself laugh.  I make myself crack the fuck up thinking

“shit I gotta emember that”

Yet I forget.  So now its time to write this shizzle down.

So thats what this blog will be.

Enjoy it.

 

Peace